Monday, August 31, 2009

What I Think vs. What I Say



We signed my daughter up for soccer this year. She's 5 years old and she doesn't like to run. We've told ourselves, out loud and in quiet, that this is an experiment. That we have no expectations. That we want to expose her to "this kind of stuff" because it may be helpful in her physical and social development.

She has attended three practices and two games. At practice she is participating with the other girls: running, lots of running and without too much complaint. She doesn't really "get" soccer but she seems to be fitting in at practice and giving it a go. This is extremely encouraging.

As for the games, she refuses to set foot on the field once the game is underway. At the first game, in a particular touching sibling moment, her big brother walked her onto the field at halftime and just sat there with her as if to say "it's not so bad out here." Nicely done, big brother. That said, she's having none of it. We ask why she doesn't want to be out there and she won't say. She just doesn't want to. And it's driving me crazy.

It's an experiment, remember? No expectations, remember?

As much as I repeat these statements I still can't quiet the voice that says, "what if she goes the entire season and never plays in a game?" Or, "what will the other parents think?" I imagine myself explaining at length about her epilepsy diagnosis and the ensuing developmental delays and how this is an experiment and we just want to help her fit in and have some fun. It always sounds strained and gratuitous. I will never do it. But, oh the feelings I have going on about "normal" and what other's think and, not the least of which, what I want her to be versus who she is.

I'm competitive. I want to win. At everything. And that means I can be awfully hard on myself and hard on others, too. With my daughter, winning means slowing down and going at her speed. The thing is, she's amazing. The thing is, practices are going well. The thing is, it's just going to take more time. The thing is, she's who she is and she always will be. And the best way for me to love her is to fully accept that and continue to provide opportunities for her to learn and grow.

How Much Cream Cheese?

For a long time know I've been espousing the importance of personal disclosure and vulnerability as a key leadership trait. I've thought, talked and written at length about the importance of showing up more "fully human" because that's the kind of person people want to follow. Recently, I had the chance to experience first hand just how much this matters and it how it can ground us in our work relationships in ways otherwise not attainable.

A year, maybe a year-and-a-half ago, I shared with some colleagues a story that perfectly describes my style under stress. When I feel out of control, uncertain or unstable my tendency is to over-control. As you'll see, I'm not just talking about micro-managing, I'm talking about getting intense about stuff, really small stuff, that just doesn't merit the energy or attention. I've been doing this for a VERY long time and, thankfully, in the last few years I've started to notice the behavior and, as I hope those close to me will attest, started to change it.

But that's getting ahead of things. A few years back on a Saturday morning my wife and I took the kids to a bagel shop for breakfast. My son, probably 6 or 7 at the time had smeared so much cream cheese on his bagel that there was no longer any bagel. I mean, this kid had piled it high. So, control freak and hyper-intense parent that I was (emphasis on past tense!) I promptly grabbed the bagel from him and began to deconstruct it. I quickly removed the most offensive glob - the mound in the middle that just isn't done in polite society. But I didn't stop there. I proceeded to take one of those plastic serrated knives and scrape this sucker clean. I mean, the only thing left on this bagel were the tracks of the knife through what may or may not have been a pile of cream cheese.

The look I got from my wife was one of utter disbelief. And, after a painful silence, we just started laughing. I'm talking big, hearty, slightly out of control laughter. What I had done was just so bad, so clearly over-the-top that all you could do was laugh. I don't know what was going on with me then, why exactly I needed to exert so much control over bagel to cream cheese ratios. Most likely, I was still in the early stages of learning how to really see myself and feeling the need for control that that kind of examination fully engenders.

Well, as I said, in the spirit of transparency I told this story to a group of colleagues about 18 months ago as a way to describe my ongoing challenge with control needs. Just last week, one of these colleagues came to my office and expressed concern about how I was approaching an issue in our group. It was clear that she was feeling the weight of my control and to illustrate her point she somewhat tentatively reminder me of the bagel story. It was a beautiful moment. Her recollection of the anecdote was perfectly timed to coincide with what's true for me right now.

As I've written about recently, I'm in the middle of a big transition right now. My boss retired, his replacement is in place and I'm trying to find my way through the sometimes muddy and unsettled waters that go with the change. Is it any wonder that I would respond by holding on a little too tightly, exerting just a little too much control? Of course not. And, if I had never shared the bagel story my colleague could never have helped me gain the perspective I need to move through this change more effectively. She brought back to me the thing I had given her, returning it to me so I could look at it with fresh eyes and new learning. What a gift.

The truth is, there's a lot at stake right now. Lots of opportunity for me to ensure that in the absence of a hugely influential leader, the work of coaching and leadership development in my company continues to grow and thrive. What I'm really wondering is if I can be and become the hugely influential leader that I need to be to keep things going strong. Rationally, I believe so. Emotionally? Well, that's probably why I start to hold on just a little too tight.

Frankly, I think it's a good time to hold on a little tighter, to make sure what we've got going here isn't all cream cheese and no bagel. The good news, freshly reminded as I have been, is that I'm equipped to watch for my tendency to reach for the plastic knife.

(Seriously, he had WAY TOO MUCH cream cheese on that thing!)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

This is Wellness

I wrote this to kick off a wellness initiative in my organization. I hope you benefit from it, also.

Ours is an aspirational, achievement-driven culture. It is a culture of winning marked by a strong belief in what is possible with a community of people focused and passionate about accomplishing great things.

We want the best for our organization which is simply another way of saying that we want the best for ourselves. Our company, our teams and our colleagues need and want us to be at our best so that our organization can be at its best. This is wellness.

Both an individual and a community effort, wellness is more than “ideal” physical dimensions, rigorous exercise and Spartan diets. It is much, much more. Wellness is about being our best physical, social, emotional and professional selves so that we can live the lives we want to live. And, it is about creating and sustaining a vibrant, energizing and results-driven workplace so that all of us can benefit from our mutual success.

As we begin a new conversation about wellness, a conversation we hope you will sustain over the coming months and years, we will be using language that represents four key elements of wellness for our culture. These four elements are not exhaustive but are the ones we believe matter most to each of us, most of the time. When we Move, Play, Listen and Achieve we are pursuing wellness, we are moving towards our best self. Read on to learn what these words represent and their significance in this new conversation.

Move.

When we move we know we are alive. It is through movement that we get where we are going. Be that walking, running or jumping; dancing, golfing or cycling, moving well is both deeply gratifying and deeply connected to our well-being. In our definition of wellness Move is all about our physical being: our bodily health and our efforts, large and small, to achieve physical well-being through forms of movement, nutrition and activity that are appropriate to us and our individual situation.

Play.

We are social creatures. Introverted or extraverted, we all need and rely on others to bring greater satisfaction to our existence and to bring greater meaning to our lives. There is a deep, proven connection between healthy relationships and healthy living and it is through our social networks and activities that these relationships are formed and sustained. Play is about all of the ways we interact with others to satisfy our deep and enduring need for the enjoyment of life – the laughter, connection and energy that comes through positive interactions with others.

Listen.

We all have highs and lows. We all have strengths and challenges. And we all have the opportunity to develop ourselves for greater impact in our relationships and in our work. When we Listen to ourselves we become aware of our inner workings, the emotional drivers that can hijack us in times of stress and fulfill us in times of joy. When we listen to others we become aware of how our internal state impacts those around us, sometimes for the best and other times, well...you know how it goes. To listen well is to learn. And learning about self and others is at the heart of emotional wellness.

Achieve.

We believe that people need to find meaning in their work. We further believe that each of us wants the satisfaction that comes from professional accomplishment; that when we have the opportunity to apply our learning, talents and experience to a cause we believe in, we are more engaged and more fulfilled. The pursuit of professional wellness is the desire to Achieve in a manner consistent with our values, goals and beliefs. It is the coming together of place, position, purpose and people in a way that truly sustains us as we feed our families and fulfill our dreams.

Move. Play. Listen. Achieve. You will see, hear and experience these words in action in the coming months as the conversation about wellness takes on further definition and clarity for each of us. Until then, you are invited to consider how these words have meaning for you today and how they might inspire you to imagine a new definition of wellness – one that helps you to become your best self.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Magis

In the Jesuit tradition the phrase "magis" (mah-gis) means "the more." It is taken from "Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam" a Latin phrase meaning "for the greater glory of God." The term refers to a philosophy of doing more and it is an expression of both aspiration and inspiration.

As an alumnus of a Jesuit university I remember experiencing "magis" as an emphasis on learning not only for one's own sake but out of a greater responsibility to self, others and community. In the year's since, as I have pursued deeper professional learning and a multidimensional, more layered understanding of self, "magis" has taken on added meaning and significance. As I consider it today, I am drawn to appreciate "the more" as that part of me that is untapped, undiscovered and perhaps, as yet, unimagined. I believe it is what will result from the knitting together of the many elements of my emotional, spiritual and physical experience. I see it as the realization of God's plan for my life - "the more" that He sees in me and for which He desperately longs.

"Magis" is not about completion or arrival. Rather, it is about discovering new possibilities, figuring out how to connect them to what exists and appreciating the result, the newly emerged piece of your tapestry.

And then, it's about doing it again.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Leadership Development POV: Part Two

In Part One, I addressed the "how" of Leadership Development. In this piece I describe what's at stake. Why does it matter if leaders develop or not? What's in it for them, their followers and the organization itself?

Leadership
A developing leader has self-knowledge which allows them to lead with “compassionate realism” (R. McKee, HBR 2003). They are willing to divulge the vulnerability of the growth process (I am unfinished, I am not yet fully formed, I will never get there but I will maintain an authentic willingness to try); people are more attracted to – willing to follow – leaders who are BOTH functionally competent and fully human. It’s the unfinished part they reveal that reminds each follower of the unfinished part in them. It gives permission for that unfinished part to be acknowledged and respected, not hidden or denied. A developing leader is actually practicing leadership.

Environment
A leader who shows up as more “fully human” creates an environment for more humanity to be present. If more humanity is present, more presence is possible by all who work in the environment. There is less worry about the past or the future and more energy and focus on the present moment. This is a more creative, thoughtful and innovative place to be. A developing leader is consciously creating the environment.

Engagement
As a team member in such an environment I can offer more of my best-self; I can bring more ideas and creativity to my work because I am not concerned about what I am not, I am concerned about what I am and what that can be. When my best abilities are appropriately matched to challenging work, I am most fulfilled. And, when I am called on to continuously evaluate how we can get better, I have the chance to influence how we grow and change, deepening my sense of engagement in the work. A developing leader inspires engagement in the work of her followers.

Innovation
When my creativity is unleashed through my engagement in the work in an environment that values the best I have to offer, results will follow. Innovation is the result of creative thought being guided through effective leadership so that possibilities can be made real, put into practice for the benefit of the business and all its stakeholders. A developing leader creates the conditions in which creativity becomes innovation.

Leadership Development POV: Part One

My point of view on leadership development begins by answering the "how." Part two will explore the "why" or "what's at stake" that makes leadership development so important for organizations today.

Part One is about desire, decision and the work of development. These three "D's" are the essential, non-negotiable components of leadership development. All three must be present for anything to change.

Desire to change, to satisfy the internal longing to go from where I am today to where I want to be tomorrow, is the granddaddy of them all. Without desire change is nothing more than an accident of time and exposure. With desire new worlds become possible. A leader who "wants" to change because he or she is "supposed to" or because that's what the culture expects may get a little ways down the path. But until real desire is present real change will not happen.

Decision represents the moment of truth. The moment when, after considering all of the internal and external forces at work against me (and aware that there are plenty more one cannot see), the leader decides to move, to take action and to own the results. The internal forces may be doubt, confusion, pain, fear, confidence or loss. The external forces may be relationships, politics, organizational changes, global recession or pandemic. Whatever they are, the decision point is the choice to confront them.

Development is the act of engagement in the work of individual change. This may happen independently, but more likely happens with specific support and some combination of resources, tools and plans. This is the actual doing of the work. The tedious, messy, dirty, grinding, one foot in front of the other, work of development. As David Whyte says: "if the path ahead of you is clear, you're on somebody else's path." It's when the leader is picking her way around the brambles, stepping in the mud, swimming through the whitewater, that she knows she is "in" her development.