Out of Sync

Have you ever been in this place where some aspects of your life are just cruising along, full steam ahead and other areas seem stuck in the mud? It's this weird dissonance that doesn't make a lot of sense when you're in the middle of it. It just doesn't seem possible that there can be so much momentum in one area and so much inertia - or the feeling of inertia - in another.

And, yet, that's where I find myself.

Part of why I know this is that it's been over two weeks since I last posted a blog entry. And it's not like nothing's happened in the last two weeks - a boatload of stuff has happened, plenty of material has been sitting there, waiting for me to put it in play and.......I have simply been uninspired to do so.

Actually, I think my last post on "Separation" took a lot out of me. In truth, the subject matter is so powerful to me that I've had to just retreat for a little while to let it sink in. The fact is, I'm dealing with a loss and it's taking me time (more time than I'd like!) to get it sorted out. And, the more I think about it, the more I see that the "sorting out" was hijacked by a flight into activity.

Just a few days into my new reality I boarded a plane to the east coast - I had a terrific weekend in Manhattan, followed by a wonderful day at the New York Times where I had the chance to talk about coaching, leadership, engagement and innovation; I then caught a train to Boston for a few days of meetings and then headed home for a great weekend of reconnecting with the family in the summer sun of San Diego.

All that good stuff gave me sanctuary from dealing with the emotional impact of recent events. And, when I arrived back at work on Monday morning it's no wonder that I felt disengaged and disconnected. I was forced to stare this new situation right in the face and didn't much feel like doing so. So, here I am a few days later, reflecting on it all, both sobered and amazed by the truth that these transitions, these separations, these changes are just hard. And, aware though I may be that I'm in the middle of one and that it will all get sorted out in good time I still get very clever at trying to force the issue, make the healing go faster, make it all better right now.

In closing, with astute self-awareness noted and chronicled, allow me to channel my inner 5-year-old: "make it better RIGHT NOW!"

Separation

Today is my dad's birthday. His favorite number was "7" and so here on 7/7, when he would have been 77 I can't help but chuckle at how much satisfaction he would have been feeling, especially at 7:07!

The truth is that my dad left when I was pretty young so I didn't have the benefit of a "full" or "complete" father/son experience. We mended our relationship over the years and made something pretty good out of it but by the time I was really getting my adult life underway he slipped into the clutches of Alzheimer's. He died when I was 29 but it was really over a few years earlier.

On the day he died, my first-born child (a son, of course) was just three days old. In the same hospital, at approximately the same time, one generation passed and made way for another to emerge. 

Long before that day in the hospital 10 years ago, and every day since, I have lived with the pain of childhood loss and separation and its manifestation into adult adaptations, some productive, others less so. It's taken me a long while to forgive myself for the negative ones and to understand that I have simply, though not easily, been going through my own healing to get to a place where I can stand on solid ground, accepting what is mine to accept and committing myself to breaking the old patterns of anger, impatience, arrogance and regret. This remains a daily struggle. 

The new pattern that is emerging is one of possibility and acceptance, one of renewal and growth, one of confidence and presence, one of patience with and understanding of self.  As you may know from your own experience, each new loss, every fresh separation, is a reliving of all the old ones. When we grieve, our sadness is not located solely in the present but in all of our past losses, those deeply significant touchstones for the regression and progression that marks every life. 

I am sad today because of a fresh loss I am experiencing. My mentor, friend, colleague and boss of the last four years worked his last day today and hits the road tomorrow to begin the next chapter in his life and the life of his family. This remarkable man challenged me every day of the last four years to believe about myself what he so readily believed: that I have all I need, if only I remain willing enough and courageous enough to build the confidence to use it. All he did for four years was expect and challenge me to locate within myself the next level of learning and development. With his support I have attempted exactly that and, if you read my entry of July 1 you will understand that it is, in large part, his steadfast belief that has brought me to this point of massive opportunity in my life. I know I've done the work and that lots of "significant others" have played a part but he was the catalyst, the essential spark, and for that I will remain deeply, deeply thankful. 

And so, his departure taking place as it does, fittingly and painfully, on my dad's birthday, is an opportunity to experience the old losses and to see myself as I'm today, "full and against a wide sky" (to paraphrase R.M. Rilke). I am whole. Not complete, but whole. I am on solid ground and, being so, I can feel and express the pain, honor its significance and place it in a long line of separations and losses, the natural accompaniment of a life lived out in the open.

Thank you, Blake.

I love you, Dad.

Halfway

Six months down, six months to go.

2009 is sliding by awfully fast and at this mid-point I find myself thinking about what's been and what will be. Time and dates are pretty arbitrary aren't they? I mean, July 1 (or September 12 or October 29) is as good a day as any to make new commitments and define new goals. A New Year's resolution is romantic but it's really just one of 365 opportunities to decide, plan and act.

So, on the first day of the second half of the year I owe myself a quick reality check about what I've done about my 2009 development plan. My mantra this year is to "Expect More" of myself and others. Specifically, to actively pursue my goal of becoming a a credible, inspiring and respected speaker/presenter on leadership, employee engagement and organizational culture. This has required more risk, more candor, more presence and more commitment. Here's a quick list of what's happened so far:

1 conference presentation (February)
1 journal article (March)
1 MBA student roundtable (April)
1 webinar (June)
1 consulting engagement (July)
1 keynote (August)
1 association presentation (pending)
26 blog postings (March-July)

That's exactly eight more such activities than last year and what's especially gratifying is that four of these things came about simply because I asked the question: "Do you need a speaker at your conference?"; "Do you need any leadership development support for your MBA students?"; "Do you have a client who would like to hear about my work when I visit the east coast?" And, to evidence the generative impact of getting started, two more items on this list happened as a result of something else - the webinar came from the conference; the keynote came from the roundtable. Cool.

Looking at the back half of the year my goal is simple: keep going. Continue to "expect more." Continue to ask the questions. Continue to learn from each experience. Continue to refine my voice and my message.

Continue.